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Substitute Teacher No Santa

The Montville School District will no longer employ a substitute teacher who spent a lesson telling first graders that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Elf on a Shelf don’t exist. Presumably the bell rang before she could tell them there was no God and that when their parents and friends and dogs die they rot into nothingness and are gone forever.

From Fox News:

“Many of us parents have been doing damage control since the kids get home from school,” parent Lisa Simek posted to Facebook on Thursday.

Another parent, Myra Sansone-Aboyoun, told News 12 New Jersey that her 6-year-old daughter Addriana was extremely upset by the ordeal.

“I was heartbroken. You know, my daughter is the hugest believer in the whole Christmas spirit — Santa, giving,” the mother said.

Really lady? You’re going to tell small children that Santa isn’t real to… what? Make them open their eyes about the “real” world or something? Like you don’t lie to yourself every day about your meat and dairy being the product of torture, or your clothes and phone being made by sweatshop slaves. But yeah. What’s really important is that a 6-year-old gets woke about where Christmas presents come from.

“OPEN YOUR EYES CHILDREN! THERE IS NO MAGICAL PRESENT MAN! WELCOME TO REALITY,” she lectured the six and seven-year-olds, on her 826th day in a row of not contributing to her 401k, burying her rightful anxiety about not being able to retire under a mountain of dishonest reassurance that things will simply ‘work themselves out’ one day.

I’m making a lot of assumptions about this substitute teacher, to be sure. But also, most people live in a fantasy of their own creation. They lie to themselves about any number of things to make life livable. To keep the sheer weight of the enormously terrifying truths and horrifying compromises that come with merely existing from crushing them. God knows I do.

An innocent human being probably got killed by flying robots in the last week so that Americans can safely eat ham this Christmas.

But these kids can’t believe in Goddamned magic. Okay.

Watch: These 10 Santa Dogs Will Fill You with Holiday Cheer

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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