It’s one thing to attempt to commit a crime and fail. It’s worse when there’s video evidence. And it’s just humiliating when the video evidence is clear as day and narrated by sportscaster John Curley.
Thankfully for us, the last of those three situations is what we have here.
KIRO posted the footage taken by a surveillance camera in the KIRO Radio parking lot. The attempted break-in appears to target a Toyota Tacoma. They say the break-in is an “apparent car prowl” by an “unknown person”–not the truck’s owner, that’s for sure.
The would-be thief (or vandal, at least) reportedly began by banging on the windows of the Eastlake District station in Seattle, Washington. Finding no one around, he apparently found a broom and the driver’s window. Right now, it’s not clear why the stumbling man picked that truck in particular, let alone a broom–which you’ll see was less-than-effective at what he was after.
Around 11:09 p.m., he starts to bash away at the window — and John Curley’s commentary begins.
“There’s a gentleman who’s got himself a mop, and… he’s got a stance about a shoulder-width apart, he bangs the mop at the top of the window! And hits, and resets…”
The man can’t break through the glass. After Curley comments that he’s holding the “dirty part” of the mop (which is true), the thief moves on to something even dumber: a “second plan” that involves climbing onto the roof. Is he going to the truck’s sunroof? Breaking into the station?
We’ll never know. As Curley puts it:
He still has the mop in his left hand. He places the mop on top of the roof, and now he starts to think about whether or not he wants to climb up. He places the right foot on top of the wall, here he comes, and he falls off the wall! Oh, my God! Somebody get some salami and cream cheese and rub it all over his face! He’s unconscious. On the ground. With a mop. That’s the story.
Even better, we may never know who he was (or how much he hurt the next day). KIRO reports that the mop-handlin’ failure woke up from his fall some time after and “walked into the night.”