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Lawrence Kansas Happy Endings Twitter

A hero from the Heartland spoke up for millions when he took to a recent city council meeting in Lawrence, KS to fight for his — for our — God-given rights. While the nation roils over judges and elections, one man’s voice cut through the noise to demand we all be given the service we deserve.

Hand jobs for money.

The brave man demanded to what was surely a skeptical city council that yes, this is what his city and, really, the nation, needs.

Here is the video of this true warrior for justice addressing the council.

The transcript of this speech is below, though I have to say, you’re really losing something if you don’t listen to the guy’s delivery of his happy ending manifesto.

So I propose this: the city allows for licensed masseurs to give genital massages, if the masseur and the client both agree to it. We let someone get naked and have every other part of their body touched and rubbed by a massage therapist — hell we let proctologists spend their day fingering men and sticking things up their anus — so if someone wants to yank a guy’s crank I say let ’em. Picture this: a big old sweaty fat guy. Would getting him off with your hand actually be that much worse than giving him a full body massage? Getting up in there under the folds of fat, or being the proctologist, sticking your finger up his ass. And that brings me to my last point. This is about a group of people imposing their morality on the rest of society. If a grown adult wants a hand job, and another grown adult is willing to give one for money, then let them. That’s both freedom and capitalism, and that’s the foundation of our country. If you have a problem with a genital massage, then don’t get one, and allow other consenting adults to do what they want. That would truly be a happy ending for everyone.

Never stop fighting, sir.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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