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A California man who might’ve bought some bad drugs was caught on a family’s home security camera licking their doorbell. For a while. Three hours, apparently. Really licking it. As if it were a, um, button type thing of another sort. This guy was working that doorbell. It’s unsettling.

The Salinas family who lives in the home was alerted by their home surveillance camera that someone was on the front porch of their Rossi Rico home at around 5 a.m. The homeowners were out of town but their children weren’t. Sylvia Dungan, one of the homeowners, said she was surprised to be getting an alert. Then she checked the video and… a guy was orally pleasing her front door.

After licking the doorbell, the man was also caught on camera trying to relieve himself in their front yard.

Salinas PD later identified the doorbell licker as 33-year-old Roberto Daniel Arroyo, who will forever be known as the guy who took the wrong acid and ate out a house. The Salinas Police Department also says that Arroyo could face two misdemeanor charges for petty theft and prowling for spending hours licking the family’s doorbell.

The rise of consumer home surveillance systems has led to the odd revelation that a lot of insane shit happens on people’s front porches. Crazy stuff that you would have never realized happened otherwise. Basically, up until 2015 someone could have been sacrificing goats with their cult and having a blood orgy on your porch at 4 a.m. and if they did a good enough cleanup job you’d be none the wiser to it.

Nest cams need to come with some sort of drone defense system too. Like maybe a paintball gun pops out and starts lighting up whoever is touching themselves on your doorstep until they go the hell away. Front porches in the middle of the night deserve to be way safer than they apparently are.

Either that or catch the dealer who sold this guy the bad acid. I kind of want to take some. Just so I can see what he was seeing. I bet it was both erotic and terrifying.

Watch: 18 VALID REASONS WHY I CARRY A GUN

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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