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Alligator Attack

A Florida woman was rushed to the hospital after suffering leg injuries from a surprise alligator attack while she was trimming trees near a lake.

The 27-year-old woman was working near a lake in Fort Myers, Florida when the reportedly 10-foot long predator ambushed her. The woman suffered injuries to both legs and was transported by rescue workers to a Fort Myers area hospital.

Florida Fish and Wildlife authorities contracted an alligator trapper to remove the gator from the lake.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Thankfully the woman is okay. That’s the number one thing here.

2. I have no doubt that the whole alligator threat is overblown. I assume if you live in Florida gators are more shrug inducing than anything. Apparently on average Florida only has five unprovoked alligator on human attacks a year.

Still, if I were a Florida resident I wouldn’t hang around any wild-looking body of water without at least a pocket knife, if not a bat with nails sticking out of it and barbed wire wrapped around it. Or maybe a shotgun? You know, something that can expose dinosaur brains to sunlight as quickly as possible.

3. The details of this attack are sparse but I sort of imagine the woman was just standing there and got dragged down to the ground like in every movie ever featuring a scary animal attack on land. Which is pure nightmare fuel. Imagine actually almost dying in the way you’ve seen a thousand times in the movies. It’s also just annoyingly ironic. There are a lot of thoughts you don’t want to have while dying — “Ow,” “Why God!?!” — but I imagine that “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me” ranks up there.

4. Is living in Florida basically just playing a game of Pitfall, from classic Atari?

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I say yes.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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