An 18-year-old teenager from Thailand was sitting down to spend five minutes relieving himself and twenty minutes playing on his phone when his relaxing bathroom trip went about as wrong as it possibly could.
Siraphop Masukarat, who lives just outside Bangkok, Thailand sat down on the toilet and was almost immediately bitten on the penis by a 4-foot long python, which he somehow hadn’t noticed as he sat down.
Masukarat felt the immense pain almost immediately but had absolutely no idea why his penis suddenly felt like it was being stabbed by like fifty needles. He looked down to inspect, found a snake’s head attached to his wang, and appropriately freaked the hell out.
He was able to free himself from the snake and then started running around his house, screaming, with his pants around his ankles and blood pouring out of his penis.
Masukarat’s mother attempted to keep him calm while they waited for paramedics but her son was understandably more in the mood to keep losing his damn mind over the fact that he’s just gotten the worst blow job on record.
Eventually, medics arrived and Masukarat received three stitches for the not inconsiderable extra holes that had been poked in his peep.
Animal handlers then came, removed the snake from the house, and released it back into the wild.
A few thoughts:
1. Are you crazy, Thai animal authorities? Releasing an apex predator back into the wild now that it has a taste for human flesh? Specifically human penis flesh? Burn every forest around Bangkok with Napalm.
2. There really aren’t many worse scenarios I can imagine as an 18-year-old than your mom holding you in her arms as your exposed penis gushes blood because a big snake just took a chunk out of it.