Rob Fox
Are you a smartphone addict? Do you find yourself getting itchy when you haven’t checked Instagram in a few hours? Does a lack of Twitter get you jonesing? Would you suck a dick to send just one more text message? Vitamin Water wants to find out.
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The company responsible for mildly curing hangovers has issued a challenge: stay off your smartphone for a whole year and we’ll give you a hundred grand. Unfortunately, there can only be one challenger. Here’s how to enter:
Post a photo to Twitter or Instagram telling vitaminwater® why you need a break from your smartphone. what would you do with all that time? go wild, be out there, and wow us. make sure to include hashtags #nophoneforayear and #contest.
Guidelines to assist a successful transition
Note: not legally binding. at all.
You may not use any smartphone for 365 days. if texting is a pleasant experience or you can get on the internet, it’s probably a smartphone.
This means you may not physically operate, caress, hug or otherwise be physically affectionate with anyone’s smartphone.
If you’re lying in bed and miss your phone, do not attempt to sneak a midnight scroll…just close your eyes and dream about vitaminwater®. that’s what we do. every night. and sometimes at the office.
The entry period ends on January 8th, 2019. You have to submit your application via social media. My advice? Lie. Lie your asses off. Tell them you love your smartphone so much that you huff smartphone screen cleaner to get high off the smell of sweet, sweet electronic distraction. That you’d rather kill your cat than go a full year without your smartphone. Tell them you bought one of these nightmare devices. Everyone who ever got into a reality TV show did so by either being crazy or acting like they were. This is no different. Nobody wants to put Boring Brenda under the spotlight. They want to profit the behavior of lunatics.
Granted, you probably won’t be able to lie about your smartphone usage over the course of the year. They’re going to be giving you lie detector tests and what not. But they’ll probably take you at your word until then.
And don’t worry, your life for a year won’t totally be without a phone. Vitamin Water will replace your iPhone with a 2000s-era cell phone. Like one of those Nokia bricks, or something. After a week this will probably be the easiest hundred grand anyone ever made.
