A mother of two from the United Kingdom — I would personally feel more comfortable with more than one ocean between us, if that’s somehow possible — says she’s been keeping Coronavirus free, as well as flu and cold free, by drinking smoothies with a shot of sperm in them.
32-year-old personal trainer Tracy Kiss of Aylesbury told Metro that since 2017 she has been drinking smoothies enhanced with a shot of her boyfriend’s semen, and since she began doing so she hasn’t had a single case of the flu or any colds. She also, obviously, hasn’t come down with Coronavirus either. On account of the sperm beverages.
Kiss says the sperm smoothies are a great — and vegan! — way to boost the immune system. She likens it to a mother breastfeeding her child. She says it’s best to use sperm as close to its ‘production’ as possible, though sometimes she has to freeze her boyfriend’s sperm because the two are in a long-distance relationship. Her freezer literally has ice cube trays filled with frozen jizz. Very medical.
She also puts the sperm on her face to clear up her skin. She did not elaborate on how that application process takes place.
All of this, by the way, is totally unproven. The WHO, CDC, and exactly zero doctors say this is an effective preventative treatment for any illness.
A couple thoughts:
1. Burn that fridge. Nuke that fridge, actually. Then take whatever remains and launch it into space.
2. How close to her kids’ ice cream is this frozen sperm? If the answer is “Under 500 yards” then that’s too close. I suspect that is, in fact, the answer.
3. Emergen-C boosts your immune system too, just FYI. And the cool thing about Emergen-C is that it isn’t jizz that you have store near your kids’ popsicles.
4. Does the boyfriend beat off directly into the ice cube trays? And then they go into the freezer. God that’s a lot. That’s so much. That’s everything. Every single thing in the universe. That’s how “a lot” that is. Too much, if you will.
This story was originally published May 1, 2020.