The government shut down this morning. At least that’s what the guy on the other end of my two-way radio said. “Finally,” I thought, “Anarchy at last!” As I emerged from my heavily fortified bunker constructed of gorilla tape and recyclable Chipotle trays, I was shocked to find that nothing seemed to have changed much. There were no abandoned houses, no crazed homeless people looting malls or grocery stores, no zombies swarming the Environmental Protection Agency building. Shutdown? More like letdown. I haven’t been this disappointed since Y2K.
But I was determined to find something, anything, that would prove that I was once and for all liberated from the grasp of the system that had been the bane of my existence for so many years. Yet the more I searched, the more I wished I could crawl back into my bunker.
The NSA was still tapping my collection of disposable cell phones. I know this because I called and asked. Apparently, they’re not big fans of me over there — probably has something to do with the massive amounts of hateful voice mails I left for Jimmy over in the cyber division. You suck, Jimmy.
I still got that letter from the IRS telling me to pay my taxes. This was actually a relief because I had run out of toilet paper.
President Obongo was still on television telling me to buy his health insurance. Thanks, Barry, but I’ll stick to my homegrown herbal remedies and daily sacrifices to Asclepius, the Greek god of medicine.
I guess there were a few changes. I couldn’t go to the National Zoo and tell my secrets to the chimpanzees like I had planned on doing. I couldn’t throw eggs at the tour guides at the National History museum because that was closed, too. Fortunately, I was able to hang out with my buddy, Harold. Being a “non-essential worker,” he had the day off. We spent most of the afternoon trolling the operators working the Obamacare exchange helpline. It was a great time.
So, it turns out this whole government shutdown hasn’t turned out to be the big hoopla that I thought it would be. Here’s hoping something exciting happens soon. Time to go back off the grid for a while.
Keeping sticking it to the man, my friends.
Dr. Ron Paul M.D.