Not yet halfway through 2014, and already we have a gaggle of celebrities vying to be the Biggest Jerk of 2014. We’ll have those awards at the end of the year. For now, here’s a look at the top five celebrity contenders.
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5. Macklemore
It doesn’t take repeat offenses to get you in the top five. Rather, it only takes one good jerk moment (along with ruining the Grammy’s in 2013) to get on the list.
Macklemore gets there for making a surprise appearance at a museum in Seattle, and putting on a live show. That’s not jerky, that’s pretty fun. But, when he showed up, he was dressed as a stereotypical caricature of a Jewish man; completing his wardrobe with a black, curly-haired wig, gold chains and a nose prosthetic that makes Humpty’s nose look like a gherkin. Macklemore went full Kosher Dill.
He got called out in every corner. Actor Seth Rogen declared on Twitter – “.@macklemore, first you trick people into thinking you’re a rapper, now you trick them into thinking you’re Jewish?”
Macklemore denies that he was trying to insult anyone, saying on Twitter, “A fake witches nose, wig, and beard = random costume. Not my idea of a stereotype of anybody.”
Not your idea, sure. But you get big-ups from Hamas, Hezbollah, Mahmoud Ahmendinejad. As Donald Sterling said, “Even I think that’s over the line!”
4. Justin Bieber
Why is Justin Bieber only fourth on the list? Because slow and steady wins the race, and there’s a lot more crazy to come from Leif Garret of his generation.
It’s not that trouble goes looking for Bieber, it’s that Beiber spends so much time looking for trouble. Then, when he finds it, he isn’t really too bothered by it and waits his time until he can get in the limo, light a joint and find some other car to drag race in a school zone.
But for all his troubles, the biggest contribution to getting on the list was his deposition video and reaction to questions being asked him.
It’s clear that Beiber has spent many hours watching Jamie Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. The scene where Eisenberg is being deposed after mercilessly screwing his partner (and funder) Eduardo Saverin, and Eisenberg is totally annoyed at having to go through the charade of placating these lesser beings who are asking questions of his brilliance.
That’s Beiber at his deposition. Full of disdain and disgust for the person keeping him from another joint and another jail cell. (When the questions turn to his on-again/off-again girlfriend, Selena Gomez, Beiber finds a new level of jerkiness. It’s precious.)
The car racing, the pot smoking, the jail time, but it was the deposition that lands him on the list. Keep an eye on him. Number one is in his sights.
3. Ken Jennings
The Jeopardy guy? Yes, the Jeopardy guy.
He was the awkward yet lovable geek who took Alex Trebek and the nation by storm, winning 74 straight games. By every measure, an impressive feat.
Who knew that underneath the lovable geek was an unlovable jerk? It started back in March, when Ken Jennings decided to be the pro-Obamacare poster child (in hopes, one assumes, of getting to play golf with President Obama) by reminding his followers on Twitter to sign up for Obamacare. His tweet:
“Make sure you sign up for Obamacare today! lol I was so dumb in mortal life, what was I thinking you guys?!?” –Andrew Breitbart’s ghost
Jennings thought the best way to get people motivated would be to insult the memory of the late Andrew Breitbart. He followed that up a month later with a Twitter exchange where he belittled a fan for wanting to meet him for a drink.
Most recently, Jennings openly questioned the sexuality of former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Appearing on a Champions edition of Jeopardy, the answer was, “Serving 160 years apart, these two Secretaries of State are the only ones who never married.”
The correct answer was, “Who are James Buchanan and Condoleeza Rice?” Jennings guessed Madeline Albright.
Afterwards, he took to Twitter to explain his answer by attacking Rice:
(Gordon Jump voice) As God is my witness, I thought Condoleezza Rice was straight.
Yeah. He’s number 3. No doubt he’ll want to move up to number one. He’s got the track record to prove it.
2. Jason Biggs
Jason Biggs should have won this by now. In 2012, his Twitter commentary was a non-stop spread of women hate and “I’m attacking Republicans on social media. I’m cool! I’m relevant! Buy American Pie Part 43; I Bang A Fruit Salad!” He was relentless in his attacks on Ann Romney, wife of 2012 GOP presidential candidate Gov. Mitt Romney.
Of Rep. Paul Ryan’s wife Janna Ryan, Biggs stated, “I’d totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan’s wife’s bleached asshole (she obvs bleaches her asshole). #RNC” Of Ann Romney he added:
@godissanta420: “@jasonbiggs How dare you ignore Ann Romney’s asshole. Ur un-American.” Sorry ur right. I bet hers is un-bleached and hairy.
He has since deleted the tweet, but multiple damning screen shots remain.
This year, he makes the list for mocking the dead.
The ABC hit show The Batchelorette was rocked when a contestant, Eric Hill, was killed in a paragliding accident. Biggs, proving that comedy waits for no man (and no ill-timed, ill-conceived nor unfunny joke) stated:
Crazy rule change- instead of voting off the contestants, this season #TheBachelorette gets to kill them off.
Classy guy, Biggs is. He’s number 2.
1. Gwenyth Paltrow
It’s hard to figure out who is number one on the list. But when you invent a term to make it seem that your divorce is above everyone else’s divorce, it’s hard not get the top spot.
When Paltrow announced – via her blog (which gives her high marks for this list) – that her marriage to ColdPlay’s Chris Martin was over, she made no mention of a divorce. Rather, she announced that the couple was going to have a “conscious uncoupling.”
For those who don’t have a Hollywood to English dictionary, conscious uncoupling is divorce for elitists.
Paltrow wants to be above the fray. She is too special to divorce like “the others” do. No, special people like Paltrow just make the cold, sterile detachment from the person they swore to love, honor and cherish until death do they part. And, then, once uncoupled, they go about their lives as if nothing happened. Oh? You don’t do that, low-born? Pity.
It’s a divorce. For her Orwellian attempt to rename it, Paltrow is number one on our list.