Rare News Desk
The romantically-challenged songstress known as Taylor Swift took a break from crafting her odes to men who don’t know her (yet) to write an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal about the future of the music industry.
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While the princess of unrealistic relationship standards did bring up a few decent points, she could have made it a lot shorter by just writing what she actually meant instead of leading the reader on a connotation dig.
Thankfully for the reader, we were able to break down selections of Ms. Swift’s expertly crafted ambiguities and make her piece more straightforward.
What she wrote:
There are many (many) people who predict the downfall of music sales and the irrelevancy of the album as an economic entity. I am not one of them. In my opinion, the value of an album is, and will continue to be, based on the amount of heart and soul an artist has bled into a body of work, and the financial value that artists (and their labels) place on their music when it goes out into the marketplace. Piracy, file sharing and streaming have shrunk the numbers of paid album sales drastically, and every artist has handled this blow differently.
What she meant:
As long as there continue to be boys who I can trick into dating me, I will continue to churn out an infinite number of albums that your emotionally unstable daughters can listen to while they stalk the quarterback of the high school football team.
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What she wrote:
My hope for the future, not just in the music industry, but in every young girl I meet…is that they all realize their worth and ask for it.
What she meant:
You are only worth the One Direction member that you are dating at the time. Take me back, Harry!!!!!!! <3
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What she wrote:
There are always going to be those artists who break through on an emotional level and end up in people’s lives forever. The way I see it, fans view music the way they view their relationships. Some music is just for fun, a passing fling (the ones they dance to at clubs and parties for a month while the song is a huge radio hit, that they will soon forget they ever danced to). Some songs and albums represent seasons of our lives, like relationships that we hold dear in our memories but had their time and place in the past.
However, some artists will be like finding “the one.” We will cherish every album they put out until they retire and we will play their music for our children and grandchildren. As an artist, this is the dream bond we hope to establish with our fans. I think the future still holds the possibility for this kind of bond, the one my father has with the Beach Boys and the one my mother has with Carly Simon.
What she meant:
I am literally making out with you every time you listen to one of my songs. Did you hear my chart-topping single on the radio? We’re dating now. Have you listened to all the songs from my new album? We’re married. You can never stop listening to my music or else we’re broken up. And I don’t do breakups.
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What she wrote:
I think forming a bond with fans in the future will come in the form of constantly providing them with the element of surprise. No, I did not say “shock”; I said “surprise.” I believe couples can stay in love for decades if they just continue to surprise each other, so why can’t this love affair exist between an artist and their fans?
What she meant:
SURPRISE!!!!!! I’M OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW! CAN YOU SEE ME? I WROTE YOU A SONG! DO YOU LIKE IT? I WROTE IT ON A MCDONALD’S NAPKIN WITH MY OWN TEARS! PLEASE, LET ME IN! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! LOVE ME!!!
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What she wrote:
There are a few things I have witnessed becoming obsolete in the past few years, the first being autographs. I haven’t been asked for an autograph since the invention of the iPhone with a front-facing camera. The only memento “kids these days” want is a selfie. It’s part of the new currency, which seems to be “how many followers you have on Instagram.”
What she meant:
I currently have 41.7 million Twitter followers and 9,746,438 Instagram followers.
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What she wrote:
And as for me? I’ll just be sitting back and growing old, watching all of this happen or not happen, all the while trying to maintain a life rooted in this same optimism.
And I’d also like a nice garden.
What she meant:
A secret, magical garden that is filled with Disney princes that kiss you non-stop (on the mouth).
