Will a 4-foot teddy bear get women to have sex with you?

So, it was late, and I couldn’t sleep, which is an on-again/off-again occurrence in my life. As I was surfing through a myriad of channels finding something to make me laugh or bore me back to sleep, I came across a commercial where an attractive woman is going crazy for a huge teddy bear she just received for Valentine’s Day. The guy, as he is getting the biggest hug of his life from the attractive woman, looks into the camera and gives a head nod. Yeah … the bear worked. I’m about to have crazy Valentine’s Day sex.

I sat upright. A 4-foot teddy bear will get women to have sex with you? Not a chance.

In the build-up to Valentine’s Day every year, Vermont Teddy Bear goes into full advertising mode. Get your girl a teddy bear and watch the magic happen. There are so many commercials, I barely get to see the ads for the Brazilian Butt Lift and investment techniques from Goldline.

But who’s buying? According to their website and other sources, Vermont Teddy Bear sells over 150,000 bears each year. So, clearly, the marketing works. But, does the bear? Seriously, can buying a girl a stuffed teddy bear get a guy a night in bed? (For those who take offense to the use of “girl and guy” as opposed to “girl and girl” or “guy and guy,” learn how not to be offended. I don’t have time for your crazy.)

To figure it out, I asked four different women for their take. Emily Zanotti of NakedDC.com, Kelly Maher of RevealingPolitics.com, Kira Davis of IJReview.com and Tabitha Hale of Rare.us. I asked each the same questions:

• If your guy gave you a 4-foot teddy bear, would that make you immediately go to bed with him?
• If not, what would be your response?
• A 4-foot bear is $100 and shipping is an extra $10. What would you rather have instead for $110?

They answered quickly, and honestly.

Kira Davis – No.

Kelly Maher – No.

Tabitha Hale – No.

Emily Zanotti – If a man gave me a present so large that I would have to regularly dust it, I would consider it an immediate insult. He’s sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.

KM – What do you do with a teddy bear? Keep it? Unless you’re in high school, the answer is clearly no.

EZ – On the other hand, by taking it to the thrift store, it would probably qualify me for the carpool lane.

TH – Why do I need him if I have the bear?

KM – You keep it for a few months then it gets donated to Goodwill. No one needs more little crap like that in their lives.

KD – If my man gave me a 4-foot bear my first question would be, “How much money did you pay for this?!”

KM – Then you have this stupid teddy bear sitting there, maybe it comes in some stupid $75 outfit, and you’re like, “OK, well I have to keep it because he’ll see it, and he spent WAY too much money on it.”

KD – And the follow up question would be, “Have you lost yo damn mind?”

KM – And if you’re nice about it, which you have to be because those little pieces of fuzzy wastes of money are so expensive, then you get more at every holiday. Then you’re the girl who likes teddy bears!

EZ – Get your woman a gift card to a nail salon or to one of those places that has a massage and facial package. I realize that sounds like the greatest gift you can give your partner is time away from you, but it’s probably true.

TH – I’d ask him where we’re going. Because, seriously, a stuffed bear does not a romantic night make.

KM – Also, totally not original. That’s a gift for a guy who is just lazy.

KD – If I can’t eat it, spend it or wear it, it’s useless.

TH – (I’d rather have) tickets to a show. Or a really good bottle of wine.

KM – At least if you get flowers you can throw that shit away without feeling guilty. Sorry, I have strong opinions.

So, in my unscientific poll, 100 percent of those who responded would not want a 4-foot bear as a gift, it would not make them want to go to bed with their significant other, it would be seen as a waste of money and — in all cases — is seen as an insult.

Guys, this Valentine’s Day — if you want it to work out in your favor — avoid the bears. I won’t even tell you what they said about Pajamagrams.