Rare News Desk
President Barack Obama delivered his White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech with the help of a surprise guest – his “anger translator,” Luther, aka Keegan-Michael Key from Comedy Central’s “Key & Peele.”
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Scroll down to read the transcript:
Obama: Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. You know, I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t bother me. I understand we’ve got an adversarial system. I’m a mellow sort of guy. And that’s why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight.
Key: Hold on to your lily-white butts!
Obama: In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are important.
Key: I mean, really! What is this dinner? And why am I required to come to it? Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?!
Obama: Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.
Key: And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense! That was ridiculous.
Obama: We won’t always see eye-to-eye.
Key: And, CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were one step away from “The Walking Dead.” Then y’all got up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome. Oh, and by the way, if you haven’t noticed, you don’t have Ebola!
Obama: But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.
Key: Y’all remember when I had that big old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, and then I plugged it? Remember that? Which Obama’s Katrina was that one? Was that 19 or was it 20, because I can’t remember.
Obama: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz $6 million was just exercising free speech.
Key: Yes, it’s the kind of speech like this. I just wasted $6 million.
Obama: And it’s not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money, too.
Key: Aww, yeah, she’s going to get that money! She’s going to get all the money! Khaleesi is coming to Westeros! Watch out! Woo!
Obama: The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.
Key: And that’s why we’re running for our third term!
Obama: No, we’re not.
Key: We’re not?
Obama: No.
Key: Who the hell said that?
Obama: But we need to focus on big challenges like climate changes.
Key: Hey, folks, if you haven’t noticed, California is bone dry. It looks like a trailer for the new “Mad Max” movie up in there. Y’all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? He needed a glass of water! Come on.
Obama: The science is clear, the science is clear. Nine out of the 10 hottest years ever came in the last decade.
Key: Now I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to count to 10.
Obama: Rising seas, more violent storms.
Key: You got mosquitoes, sweaty people on the trains stinking it up. It’s just nasty!
Obama: I mean, look at what’s happening right now. Every serious scientist says we need to act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate.
Key: OK, I think they got it, bro.
Obama: It is crazy! What about our kids? What kind of stupid, short-sided irresponsible bull —
Key: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Obama: What?
Key: Hey!
Obama: What!
Key: All due respect, sir, you don’t need anger translator. You need counseling. And I’m out of here, man. I ain’t trying to get into all this.
Obama: Go.
Key: He crazy.
Obama: Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen.
