Rare News Desk
About 80,000 earthlings have applied for a $6 billion project by a Dutch outfit to settle on Mars. A reality show will select who goes. That got the minds wandering of the editors here at Rare. If it were up to us, who would we vote off our planet? The competition is tough as there are so many worthy of being exiled 60 million miles from Earth and too few seats planned on the outbound spacecraft. There was some hesitation about getting the Red Planet off to an inauspicious start by only sending criminals, Hollywood bores, lifetime politicians and other jerks to populate it. In the end, however, it was decided that the Martian settlement should be a dumping ground to help make our home here more pleasant and livable, which will eventually work out the best for everyone. Besides, the British started Australia as a prison colony and it’s turned out to be one of the few decent countries that works, and Aussies are very congenial souls despite their felonious forebears. Below is Rare’s first round of passengers to be deported into outer space. Who did we overlook that should join them with a one-way ticket to Mars?
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Matt Cover’s picks:
· Actor Sean Penn: Because Earth doesn’t need this wife-beating, leftist goon.
· The Real Housewives: All of them, from everywhere, because we don’t need a couple dozen stupid, spoiled rich ladies making America any dumber.
· Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Because a planet with one less maniacal racist is a better place.
· New York City’s Michael Bloomberg: Adults don’t need nannies, Mr. Mayor.
· Justin Bieber: Your music is terrible. You’re an annoying brat. Please go away.
Brett M. Decker’s picks:
· Actor Alec Balwin: Because this planet clearly isn’t big enough for him and the other 7 billion people who live here.
· President Francois Holland: One less socialist French politician is always a good thing.
· UK Prime Minister David Cameron: Margaret Thatcher’s recent passing reminds why the Tories need a conservative leader with a spine if Great Britain is to avoid the same fate as a rapidly sinking European continent.
· Yoko Ono, John Lennon’s widow: Too bad there isn’t a rocket that can reach Pluto because Mars is still too close for the one responsible for breaking up the Beatles. And there shouldn’t be room for her screeching (a.k.a. “avant-garde singing”) anywhere in this solar system.
· Whoever is most responsible for the Chevy Volt. Motorists don’t want crummy electric cars that don’t work even with gazillions of government subsidies for consumers. The idea that these hunks of junk are green is baloney since most get charged up by outlets fueled by coal plants.
Anneke E. Green’s picks:
· Producer/director James Cameron: He’s singlehandedly responsible for the 3D craze tainting new releases these days. “Avatar” alone was terrible enough to warrant exile at least.
· Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan: She did not recuse herself from the Obamacare case even though she was previously involved as a lawyer for the government. Bad.
· Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates: We need to send a message to all the other self-satisfied leftist academics trying to highjack the next generation.
· Producer Damon Lindelof: His tinkering with the “Prometheus” script resulted in the prequel to “Alien” rivaling “Star Wars: Episode One” for Biggest Prequel Letdown Ever.
· The entire 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals: They’re responsible for the sort of judicial activism that puts the concept of law and justice to shame.
Tabitha Hale’s picks:
· North Korean Boy Dictator Kim Jong-un. He can nuke whatever he wants to in space.
· Secretary of State John Kerry. Maybe he’ll be safer with inter-planetary relations than world relations.
· Former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich. He needs to be among his people. It’s just the right thing to do.
· MSNBC “Hardball” host Chris Matthews. He can tingle all he wants out there and avoid creeping us all out.
· HBO “Real Time” host Bill Maher. Maybe he’ll be less offensive to Martian women than Earth females.
James S. Robbins’ picks:
· Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel to reduce crime and keep the guns out.
· Former pundit Keith Olbermann to finally be on a planet where people like him – maybe.
· Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren so she can keep searching for her Cherokee ancestors. There sure aren’t any here.
· Former Vice President Al Gore because Mars could use some of the global warming he keeps talking about.
· President Obama because Mars is already the wasteland he is trying to make America. That means he could take even more time off for golf.
Brett M. Decker is Editor-in-Chief of Rare. Follow him on Twitter @BrettMDecker
