Rare News Desk
Large or small, concealed or displayed, used in private or in a crowded public place, what was once merely an accepted part of American life is now coming under fire as one tragedy after another occurs.
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That’s right, it’s time – in fact, it is well past time – to talk about the need for comprehensive sandwich reform.
The warning signs have long been visible, despite detractors crying baloney.
In 2010, a man who is not from Florida was jailed for threatening and then pushing a crusty loaf full of meat and (possibly) deli cheeses into his wife’s head.
On that day, America saw what was protected by the sanctity of the Constitution rear its ugly, (possibly) mustard-stained head.
Many shrugged it off as a private matter or a drunken act of foolishness. “Perhaps in his booze addled stupor the man mistook his wife’s head for a panini press,” a spokesman for the National Sandwich Association speculated.
As a result of their obfuscations and cries of “rights” and “deliciousness,” the kind of sandwich used in that crime is still legal.
At the time, many people of goodwill who were not in the pocket of the NSA were sympathetic to comprehensive sandwich reform. Yet they were swayed by arguments that most sandwich users have already received some essential training and that measures regarding concealed carry sandwich laws could work to stymie the issue.
They had about six inches of a foot long point. Some of these measures seemed reasonable, others mired in ridiculous rules and disadvantageous towards producers.
My local, Responsible Sandwich Artist can’t reasonably screen the rumbling masses clamoring for his wares. And it can slice a deli’s profits even thinner when vendors are required to use an entire tree’s worth of paper to conceal a loaded sub from the criminal eye.
It is also quite apparent sandwich concealment is not only failing to reduce these incidents, but making these encounters even more dangerous for law enforcement.
In 2011, a man not from Florida was brought to justice after suddenly producing and firing a sandwich at local police. Again, controlled substances were blamed, though the scene of assault evidenced more use of mayo than Natty Ice.
Mere concealment of sandwiches has also proven to not protect the possessor, nor hide the temptation of a deliciously loaded sandwich from crime, especially from gangs and those still young and in their more formative years.
In April of last year, four teens not from Florida assaulted and stole a footlong sandwich from a man foolish enough to believe he could hide a sub of that caliber. The sandwich has not been found since.
Even what constitutes a dangerous sandwich is being called into question. Sandwich assault experts have pointed a damning finger towards what was considered the “safer” alternative, the hot dog, after a rash of incidents involving hardly regulated or licensed vendors being robbed, or turf wars igniting between rival dealers turning the streets red with a vaguely blood-like sugary substance.
This goes without passing mention of the stories involving meaty casings being fired irresponsibly across the entire country. And surely in what was a most damning turn of events regarding training and use, a U.S .serviceman not from Florida was arrested for groping women and then forcefully hurling hot dogs at a security guard.
Remarkably, the American public has yet to mobilize in the face of this dire, breaded threat.
It remains to be seen if the public will face down this looming threat or if an evil undercurrent will rise and strike this whole country unawares – much like the officer who was struck with a sandwich by an actual Florida woman.
