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Florida Man Penis Surgery

A Florida man… sort of got what he paid for, if we’re being honest. The man paid a mere one thousand dollars to a disgraced and unlicensed doctor to perform surgery on his penis and, lo and behold, things went horribly wrong. (Who could have guessed?)

60-year-old Mark Schreiber was arrested last week on one count of unlicensed practice of health care causing serious injury after the penile surgery he performed on his 55-year-old patient was so, so predictably botched and left the patient with a deformed, one-inch penis.

The 55-year-old hairdresser now sporting a bloody nub told authorities his penis was “mutilated” after the surgery and that he could no longer have sex. The man also has no sensation during urination and suffers from painful and spontaneous erections.

According to the police report, the man initially woke up the morning after his surgery and found his penis covered in bloody bandages. Quite rightfully distressed, the man asked his sham doctor something along the lines of, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!” The sham doctor, however, lied and said everything was fine. He told the patient/victim to simply change the bandages regularly and to wrap it up and keep it straight.

In case you started feeling a little bad for the man whose penis was destroyed, you probably shouldn’t. This botched surgery performed by a disgraced, unlicensed sham doctor was only performed to correct a different botched surgery performed by a different unlicensed sham doctor, a 48-year-old man named Nery Carvajal Gonzalez. The latter sham doctor is still on the run and being hunted by authorities.

This hairdresser has been just stunningly irresponsible with his penis. By comparison, he makes 1970s rock stars look downright pragmatic with their penises. At this point it would have been less insane if the man had just had sex with a running Nutribullet.

Please, sir, stop letting hobos perform surgery on your penis.

Watch: POSSIBLE JOB OPENING: PYTHON HUNTERS IN THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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