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Zombie Woman Bite Penis

A South Carolina woman who was having what could be politely described as “an incredibly adult night” ended up in handcuffs after her meth and heroin-fueled threesome took a hard left turn into attempted penis biting and basically full on zombieism. Mondays. (It happened on a Monday.)

Police responded to a 911 call from one of the two men involved in the threesome, who claimed the woman had attempted to bite his penis off. When police arrived at the apartment they found the woman bleeding and naked. Upon seeing the officers she came at them on all fours, attempting to attack. She was eventually subdued with a taser. The police then had to use Narcan, which is used to treat narcotic overdoses in emergency situations, to revive the woman.

Police Chief Dennis Turner told the media that the body cam footage from the incident was one of the most disturbing confrontations he’s seen in his entire career as a police officer. He described it as “something you would see off of a horror movie.”

So, basically, this woman was turned into an actual zombie. The equation Meth + Heroin = Zombie sounds perfectly logical to me. The heroin gets you all sluggish and zoned out like a zombie, then the meth comes in and shoots you full of energy, but only renders your id operational, so you pursue only your most basic needs, such as TO FEED.

Can you imagine how out of hand this situation had to have gotten for these two guys to call the police? There’s probably meth and heroin in the apartment, but the woman was so terrifying and ferocious that the two men were like, “Screw it. If we don’t call the cops right now she’s going to drink our blood and run off into the woods.”

Having a devil’s threesome while doing meth and heroin: not even once. It’s like this woman never even took D.A.R.E. classes.

Watch: MAN BEING SUED FOR ALLEGED CANNIBALISM DURING SHIPWRECKED FISHING TRIP

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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