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Black Coffee Psycho

Do you like your coffee black? If the answer is yes then chances are you’ve got some skeletons in your closet. That is, if the bodies you crammed in there have even decomposed to that extent yet, you sick horrible psychopath.

A new study from the University of Innsbruck in Austria claims that people who prefer to take their coffee black are more likely to have psychopathic or sadistic tendencies. The study surveyed over 1,000 adults about their flavor preferences and then had those same people take four different personality tests. The people who liked bitter flavors such as black coffee tended to have more psychopathic personality traits.

As a black coffee drinker myself, I have to say that I don’t agree with these findings. I drink black coffee because I don’t want the extra calories that come with cream and sugar. That doesn’t mean I spend my nights, say, luring families of raccoons into dumpsters and then locking them inside before lighting a fire underneath the dumpster so I can listen to them bake alive in terror, all while I record the sounds to listen to later as I fall asleep.

The study also claims that people who do put cream and sugar in their coffee likely have more agreeable personalities. They’re nicer people, I guess. Again, ridiculous. People who overload their coffee with cream and sugar are acting like big babies and if I could I would cover their mouths with an ether rag, take them back to my house, cut their heads off, and keep them in my freezer so that I could have a face to scream at whenever I felt like it.

People who drink black coffee are psychopaths? If it were up to me I’d strangle every single person involved in this study with my bare hands while their loved ones watched.

Watch: We Pitted Wawa and Buc-ee’s Against Each Other and There’s a Clear Winner

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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