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Woman Masturbating Public Austin Austin Police Department

They say Keep Austin weird, but apparently, you have to keep your hands out of your pants while you do it. Seems like a counterproductive rule, but that’s the lesson a Texas woman learned recently after being arrested for masturbating out in the open around downtown Austin.

26-year-old Dovie Nickels was charged with indecent exposure after being arrested by Austin police for masturbating on the patio of Second Bar + Kitchen on the 200 Block of Congress Avenue. Staff at the nearby JW Marriot also reported to police that Nickels was seen masturbating, at an earlier point in the day, on their first-floor patio. According to the JW Marriot staff Nickels was holding a silver object to her crotch while her legs were straight up in the air. Staff members say she was moaning and making sex noises while this was happening. When they approached her she began to scream. This lasted seven to eight minutes before Nickels ran off to the next area.

When Austin police apprehended Nickels on the restaurant patio she was not wearing pants. After cuffing Nickels and putting her into a squad car Nickels continued to masturbate, because why not at that point.

The incident happened a little after 5 p.m. so this was either the best or worst happy hour ever for quite a few people. Nothing ruins your oyster plate like the sounds of a pantsless woman going to town on herself a table over. But then again, nothing enhances beers and a lackluster conversation like a crazy person ripping their pants off and playing themselves like a fiddle. It’s all a matter of perspective and circumstance.

Unless you’re the restaurant worker tasked with cleaning the chair she’s defiling. Or the police. Then it’s objectively terrible.

Watch: Florida Woman Farts in Line at Store, Tries to Stab Man Who Complained

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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