Aurora Starchild
Sir Patrick Stewart once told the most hilarious story about his, um, private parts. He was on The Graham Norton Show and left X-Men co-star Hugh Jackman in stitches. It all had to do with an argument between Sir Patrick Stewart and his wife about circumcision.
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Hugh Jackman Could Barely Breathe While Sir Patrick Stewart Told His Circumcision Story
The then 76-year-old Star Trek actor began: “One night, as you do, we were talking about stuff. And I just happened to mention, ‘And of course, being circumcised,’ I said.”
Sir Stewart has barely started the circumcision story at this point and Jackman can is already losing it.
“And she said, ‘You’re not circumcised.’ I said, ‘What do you mean? You’ve only known me all my life. I remember my mother telling me ‘why.’ Because it was fashionable at the time.’ She said, ‘You’re not circumcised.’ I said, ‘That’s ridiculous. I should know if I’m circumcised. Of course, I am. End of conversation.’
“But the next day, I happened to be seeing my doctor…”
Sir Stewart actually has to pause for a second and check in on Jackman.
“Are you okay?” Sir Stewart asks, gently rubbing Jackman’s arm. Jackman looks like he’s about to keel over. All he can do is laugh and make indiscernible noises while shaking his head. He leans back and gasps. Sir Stewart continues.
“I’m seeing my doctor at my annual physical, of course. Uh… While he was down there, I said, ‘Oh, by the way. My wife and I had a little disagreement. Um, I am circumcised, aren’t I? Because she says I’m not.’”
Sir Patrick Stewart then shows what the doctor did, which was look down at Sir Stewart’s nether region for quite a bit and then lift his head back up and squawk, “NOT!”
“I said, ‘No, no no! That’s impossible!’ So, he looked down again and he said, ‘Hey, I’m Jewish. I know the difference.’”
Sir Stewart tells the circumcision story impeccably and completely unscathed until suddenly, he curls up into a ball. He’s blushing and incredibly embarrassed. “I have grandchildren!” he exclaims.
Finally, Hugh Jackman says something. “You’re going to have to change your Facebook status now.”
“Yes. No more Beef Stew,” says Sir Stewart.
“Well, more Beef Stew,” Norton adds.
The tale is probably the funniest thing to ever be talked about on The Graham Norton Show. It’s not every day that a 76-year-old ‘fesses up to incorrectly thinking he was circumcised his whole life.
Reddit Deep Dive Into Embarrassingly Late Lessons Revealed Sir Patrick Stewart Is Not Alone
Sir Patrick Stewart’s circumcision story led me to wonder, “What else do people learn embarrassingly late?” So, after a bit of good old Google searching, I discovered some other stories. Part of me is embarrassed for Sir Stewart and I, therefore, wish to retroactively assuage his pain. Naturally, the universe guided me to Reddit.
There are a few threads on Reddit where people ask some form of the question of, “What did you learn at an embarrassingly late age?” Here were my favorite responses, explicitly taken from a few different Reddit threads on r/AskReddit:
“Womens pads stick to their underwear and not themselves like a band-aid.” u/brettrknowlton
“That you dont have to take off your whole 1 piece swimsuit to pee…just pull the crotch to the side..I was in my 30’s.” u/Curlytomato
“I didn’t memorize the months of the year until I was about 14. My dad sat me down and we had something like a Rocky montage where I learned the months like a champ.” u/saltnotsugar
“Corps is pronounced the same as core. My wife never lets this one go.” u/Megaptera21
“That narwhals are real. I thought they were cute mythological creatures, until I saw a brooch a friend had and asked if it was part of the companies mythological line. She asked me if I thought narwhals were myths, like unicorns. I laughed and said of course they are. I was 35.” u/katikaboom
These were pretty good, but I kept digging. I needed to find something to make me less embarrassed for Sir Patrick Stewart and his circumcision faux pas.
“That if you wear a white bra, you can see it through a l white shirt, but if you wear a nude colored bra, you can’t. I was 40 when a coworker shared this with me.” u/midwesternvalues73
“That raisins used to be grapes. I thought they grew on little bushes like that. Don’t worry – I ‘what the f**k’ myself at least once a month for it.” u/floralfaunaa
“Difference between foreshadowing and foreplay. Grandmother was amused, Mom was mortified.” u/Ariar
“I thought that when people lose a body part their organism could regenerate the missing part until I was 13+-. If I saw someone with a half of an arm missing I thought “good sh*t, his arm is almost complete.” u/BetterCallMyJungler
“I didn’t know that dusters were used for cleaning dust off furniture until I was in middle school. When I misbehaved, my mother would beat me with a duster so I assumed its only purpose was to be a beating stick. I figured the fuzzy part of it was to provide comfort for my mother’s hand as she hit me.” u/kennatron
“A co-worker was helping me move something outdoors and he suddenly is staring at the sky bewildered. I asked if he was ok and, I shit you not, he says “Whoa! I can see the moon….and it’s day.” He’s 24 and I had no idea how to respond to that.” u/discgolfjoshsoccer
“Until I was 17 I thought “getting knocked up” just meant having sex. As a guy, this was an awkward thing to wish upon myself.. (“man, I wish Sarah would knock me up… like realll good.”)” u/I_Learned_Once
The next one earned an award on Reddit.
“My dad would tell me bullshit things to mess with me as a kid. Usually he would remember eventually to correct it. Sometimes, however, he forgot. I went through the first 17 years of my life thinking an artichoke was a nocturnal rodent. Went to Italian restaurant and was horrified to see artichoke hearts on the menu. My girlfriend still gives me sh*t for it three years later.” u/xDeezyz
“I thought “queef” meant a really loud, prolonged butt fart. I gave myself the moniker “queefmaster” because I can fart on command. No wonder my friends’ parents thought I was a weird kid.” u/JovanMuskoxen
“At 16, I mentioned to my SO at the time that the Statue of David was missing a testicle, which I thought unusual since David was the “ideal male form” for the time period. … I was then informed that both male testes come in one cute little sack and are not divided into two separate sacks as originally thought.” u/celluloidwings
“ ’Paradigm’ is pronounced “pear-uh-dime”. It is definitely NOT pronounced “pear-uh-dig-um”…I learned this at age 19. In college. While delivering an oral report. I try not to think about.” u/ItsPaulKerseysCar
“The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was about mom and dad kissing because he was dressed as Santa. Found this out at 29 years of age. I genuinely thought mom was being a whore with Santa (or a Santa look alike). Edit: the version of the song I listened to growing up was The Jackson 5, and you hear little Michael say, “I did! I really did see mommy kissing Santa! And I’m gonna tell my daddy!” And I totally remember being like, “omg!! He’s gonna split his family up on Christmas!!! Gah this is horrible!!!” u/CompetitiveStick6239
Reddit Taught Me That Circumcision Is a Widely Misunderstood Concept
And then there it was. Redeemer of all redeemers, there were other men who similarly didn’t know that they were circumcised, although none seemed to be near Sir Patrick Stewart’s ripe old age of 76, but it was something.
“That I’m circumcised. I always thought I had uncircumcised genitals up until I was a teenager and was able to make a comparison.” u/RandomCanadian001
“My husband is still convinced he is not circumcised. I have tried to tell him multiple times that he is. He does not believe me. This is a 45-year-old, college-educated man.” u/garfield_with_oyster
“I used to think that circumcision meant cutting off the entire thing and i was in shock when one of my friends in middle school told me he was circumcised.” u/Drywalleater03
“My girlfriend was 31 when she found out that penises aren’t all like the circumcised penises she had seen in porn.” u/carnsolus
There you have it, folks. We can all be pretty undeniably dumb sometimes. But the Sir Patrick Stewart circumcision story is still one of the best.
