We need to have a talk about Dustin Johnson. No, we’re not talking about the professional golfer of the same name who is married to Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, Paulina.
We are talking about a 22-year-old man from Minot, North Dakota, who not only did something wrong by shoplifting but also did the act of shoplifting itself embarrassingly wrong.
Every last one of the details of his failed attempt on Wednesday as reported by the Grand Forks Herald is too comical to ignore. First of all, his target was a Hobby Lobby, which he scoped out for seven hours — seven! Seemingly no employee at the store found it suspicious that he was walking around the place casually loading $4,000 worth of merchandise into a shopping cart over that period of time.
Eventually, Johnson tried to make a run for it with the shopping cart full of goods, but he was foiled by snow. Johnson’s shopping cart got stuck in the snow and tipped over in the parking lot.
Keep in mind that the temperature on Jan. 3 was, at its lowest, -5 degrees and that Johnson’s escape occurred around 7 p.m.
Johnson then tripped and fell, abandoned the stolen goods and made a run for it. But wait — there’s most definitely more.
As a result of his fall, Johnson left behind some of the most incriminating evidence he could have in his wallet. The cops got there and realized they’d been gifted a photo ID matching the shoplifter’s description along with an address.
Authorities went to Johnson’s home and walked him out in handcuffs. Even though this shoplift wasn’t exactly professionally executed, it still counts as a felony.
The face he made in his mugshot was the most correct thing he did all day. Maybe his friends should lobby for him to get another hobby.