Do you love danger? Is your idea of danger is flirting with a massive genital disaster? Have you ever had sex in a hot tub and thought, “This would be so much better if it were a lazy river and there were a hundred of us?” Have you ever eaten a terrible hot dog with a bun soaked by your wet hands, while laying on an uncomfortable pool chair, and felt like the only thing missing from this perfect moment was a field of vision filled with dicks, balls, boobs, and butts? If so, your prayers have been (inexplicably) answered!
Splasher’s Pleasure Park plans to be the first clothing-optional water park in Canada. The owner of the park says that the park itself is going to be a traditional waterpark spread over 27 acres. Just with wieners, is all.
Admittedly, the first paragraph is a bit unfair, at least the part about lazy river gang bangs. Nudism and/or naturalism does not mean orgy. But also, “Splasher’s Pleasure Park” is a name that’s not doing itself any favors in that department. It makes it sound like every waterslide is going to be dotted with glory holes. If there’s a place called “pleasure park” that you’re not only allowed but encouraged to be naked in, things are going to start getting assumed.
As if the line at a waterpark concession stand wasn’t gross enough already. The innertubes and towels are going to need to be bleach steamed every single night. The waterslides are going to be DNA chutes. The wave pool is going to be a neo-primordial ooze. New life is going to crawl out of it like three years after this place opens.
And then there’s the dynamic of sliding naked. The waterpark’s owner admits that people are going to have to slide differently than they normally would. He didn’t elaborate but what he meant by that is that they’ll have to slide different so that their nutsacks don’t rip open.
COME ON DOWN TO PLEASURE PARK.