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Florida Man Sex Pool Floats Brevard County Sheriff's Office
Brevard County Sheriff's Office

A 35-year-old Florida man has been arrested for stealing and having sex with dozens of swimming pool floats. Why was this man putting his penis into the summertime aquatic toys of children? Because, according to him, if he wasn’t humping rafts shaped like food and holes of pool noodles he’d instead be sexually assaulting women. It was all a tactic so that he could control himself.

That’s actually what Christopher Monnin told police. That he was having sex with pool floats to keep everyone else safe. Whether or not that’s true the police were still pretty much like, “That’s well and good but you stole stuff and had sex with it so we still have to arrest you. Just… for less than the alternative, we guess.”

Though he has only been charged in connection with the theft of 13 pool floats in the Palm Bay, Florida area investigators actually found 75 pool floats in his home.

Get this guy some help. No, seriously. Get this guy some actual honest to God help. Don’t just lock him in a terrifying box for a while with other scary and disturbed people surrounding him, or hit him with a big fine that he probably can’t pay anyway, and then toss him back out on the street. Go get him the mental, pharmaceutical, and medical help he almost certainly needs. Does this man look mentally stable and sober to you, Brevard County Sheriff’s Office? (He does not.) There are only so many times he’s going to get his rocks off in and around a pool float before he moves on to something worse, whether it’s what he claimed or something else.

So yeah, do that. That’s the solution here. That and much higher fences around swimming pools in the area.

Watch: This Couple Celebrates Summer in the Lone Star State with Their Texas-Shaped Pool

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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