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Beard Bouquet Firebox.com

“Hey sweetie,” you ask your partner a few days before Valentine’s Day. “You want roses, right?” They tell you that of course they want roses. Red roses are a hallmark of the holiday. “And, just to clarify,” you continue, “would you like those roses sprinkled with pube-y hair and Cheetos crumbs that have been wetted with spit before drying again?”

If they say no just go to the florist and get some real flowers. But if they say yes then click this link as fast as you can, because it leads to the latest way to make everything all about your dumb beard — a wearable bouquet of roses!

From Firebox.com, the beard decoration experts who brought you the fairy lights that turned your beard into a Christmas tree, it’s the beard bouquet! If your significant other’s idea of being shown appreciation is having you shout to the world, “Hey everyone! Look at me” then shoving an entire bouquet into your beard is the only way to go. Put flowers in your face pubes and just watch your partner swoon.

The beard bouquet comes with a set of clip-in roses (nine in total) that Firebox assures its customers are super comfortable and won’t tug and pull on your facial hair. Again, you can order the beard bouquet here. Take your blossoming romance to the next level with romantic roses that will invite your lover into the secret garden that is your face. Nothing excites a lover like a majestic flower beard (you better believe this flower power is going to translate to the bedroom).

So go ahead and order the beard bouquet. Your partner might love it, or they might hate it. But the important thing is that you have a beard, and you’ll love it. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

Watch: 9 Valentine’s Day Cards That Any Pet Lover Will Appreciate

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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