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Bride Gets Sisters Fat

What’s worse than a Bridezilla? A Shedolf Brideler? Not to completely violate Godwin’s Law in the very first paragraph here but whatever, there have been far less apt Hitler comparisons. (Probably.)

This Shedolf Brideler — only known as “Penny” — apparently has some fun, flirty, and very attractive sisters who were set to be her bridesmaids. However, because Penny was worried about not being the center of attention on her own wedding day and also mostly because she’s an insane sociopath, she decided to make sure her hot sisters didn’t steal her spotlight. So, she secretly fed them weight gain smoothies over the course of the months leading up to her wedding. She Mean Girls’d her own sisters.

Penny, who is from Australia, explained as much to the women’s lifestyle website Whimn.

Both of my sisters are gorgeous. I mean, stunning. I always felt like Jan Brady in the middle – I wasn’t as hot and popular as my older sister and I wasn’t as cute and fun as my younger sister. I was just Penny in the middle.

I started to think about what my wedding photos were going to look like. Well, probably the more correct statement would be that I started to obsess over them. These are going to be on display in my home forever – I don’t want to be reminded until my last day on earth that I was the plain sister.

Penny also made sure to make her bridesmaids wear neon yellow dresses because her sisters are blonde and apparently yellow on blonde is a bad look.

There are so many problems with this plan, let’s list them, shall we?

1. It’s insane. That’s worth repeating.
2. If Penny is, in fact, the “plain sister” that’s not going to change because of one day. She said in the article that her sisters have already lost the weight. They’re super hot again (if they ever even weren’t attractive in the first place). Other people are aware of their attractiveness relative to Penny’s. The only way Penny could stop being the plain sister is if she kills her sisters and becomes the only sister which, if we’re being honest, feels like a plausible long-term outcome here. God help these sisters if they have babies more attractive than Penny’s. A “dingo” is going to get them.
3. The plan doesn’t work if you tell anyone about it. Penny easily gave away enough information in this story to be identified. Now people who come to her home and look at her wedding photos aren’t going to be enchanted, they’re going to be haunted and wonder what’s in the drink the lunatic bride just handed them.
4. IT. IS. IN.SANE.

Penny says that her sisters still sometimes ask for her special smoothies, but Penny tells them they’ve been discontinued. “No more poison for you my pretty,” she then thinks to herself with a cackle… probably.

Watch: Luke Bryan Crashes Wedding in Mexico

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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