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Man Masturbate Work

A Canadian aircraft log controller in Nova Scotia who was caught loudly masturbating by coworkers on multiple occasions and was eventually fired for his work jerks threw a totally understandable Hail Mary to try to keep his job and at least a little of his dignity but, ultimately, the courts were like, “No, dude. You’re just a weirdo and you gotta go.”

In January 2016 the man in question — whose name was not given — was spotted in a bathroom stall at work on several occasions, by multiple coworkers, “breathing heavily, making erratic movements and moaning.” The employee was confronted by work about the incidents and was told that if whatever was happening was medical in nature he should inform the company immediately. The employee was basically like, “Oh I don’t know what you’re talking about but yeah sure if I have any problems I’ll let you know.”

For a time, the work masturbation stopped. But by April 2018 the employee just couldn’t help himself any longer. Coworkers once again started noticing that the coworker they were definitely no longer friends with was jacking off in the bathroom again. This time his behavior was even brasher than before. Coworkers reported hearing “heavy breathing, moaning and sounds consistent with orgasm.”

The man was straight up moaning in the bathroom. Was he drunk too? Did he finally qualify for a pension and cease to give any more fucks (except to himself)? Who knows.

The employee was once again investigated and this time he was like, “Yeah okay I go the bathroom, watch porn on my phone, and masturbate. And I don’t have a good excuse that I can think of at the moment.”

So, of course, the man openly masturbating at work was fired. But then at some point he (probably) WebMD’d “masturbating at work” and diagnosed himself with a sex addiction. He contested his firing on the grounds that, “I have to watch RedTube and stroke off at work cuz me addicted to Ps and Vs.”

His employer disagreed.

The case went to arbitration and the employer won, because the bar to clear for justifying jacking off at work is higher than the Goddamn moon.

Nice try though. Can’t blame the guy.

This story was originally published August 15, 2019.

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Watch: You are Gay if You Masturbate According to Popular Far Right Christian Commentator

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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