A classic computer game has been brought to the tabletop and game night is about to get L I T. F*ck Catan, you’re about to settle Willamette Valley in the Oregon Territory while five glasses of Trader Joe’s wine deep. That is if you can survive fording raging rivers, your fellow settlers coughing Cholera all over you, snake bites, dead oxen, the heat, food shortages, and most deadly of all, hot stinky dysentery.
Target has begun selling a board game version of The Oregon Trail, one of the most beloved computer games of all time, and it looks like an incredible party game. (An Oregon Trail card game has existed for a few years.) Finally, you and your friends will get to relive the fond memories of playing the original game in school computer labs, when (if you were a boy) you’d name your male wagon mates after your favorite athletes and the female ones after Jenny McCarthy, Cindy Crawford, the Spice Girls, and/or various Baywatch stars, with the hope of leaving Independence, Missouri and reaching Oregon to, presumably, create some sort 12-year-old boy’s paradise, involving sports all day with famous pro athletes and inexpert participation in orgies all night with the most attractive women of the Clinton presidency.
The Oregon Trail Game: Journey to Willamette Valley retails on Target’s website for $39.99 and is guaranteed to start totally justified in the moment but objectively ridiculous, booze and competitiveness fueled arguments at your next game night. Arguments about how the cards haven’t been shuffled enough because all your children keep drowning, or about how your wagon party should only be allowed to get bitten by a rattlesnake once because “F*cking OBVIOUSLY if one of them already died from getting bitten by a snake they rest of them are gonna be on the lookout for snakes from now on! They’re not idiots! They watched Elijah die! They’re afraid of snakes now! They would be ready for snakes! This game is bullshit!”
Truly, history has never been recreated with such engrossing accuracy until now.