There are some things in this world that we would be perfectly happy not knowing about — the “poop knife” is one of those things. Unfortunately, thanks to one Reddit user, we recently learned that “poop knifes” are an actual utensil.
A Redditor who aptly goes by the screen name “LearnedButt” recently shared his “poop knife” tale, in a thread entitled “I was 22-years-old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.” He writes that his family “poops big” and that they had a “poop knife.” He described the blade as “an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room,” adding “I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush and your poop knife.”
But at 22 he was over at a friend’s house — this friend happened to be the local “dealer,” selling marijuana to the community — when he learned the hard truth about poop knives. At one point, “LearnedButt” writes that he had to use the restroom, writing “I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.” Of course, the friend didn’t have a “poop knife” and the unfortunate defecater writes “he starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing … it turns out that none of them had poop knifes, it was just my f**ked up family with their f**ked up bowels.”
But the horror story didn’t end there. He says that he later told his wife about the incident and that she was “amused and horrified at the same time.” Of course, she didn’t know what a “poop knife” is. Even more disturbingly, he says “she had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully, she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open boxes.”
And, while we have a lot of questions and concerns, we’d like to point out that the possession of a “poop knife” really seems like the kind of thing you’d want to know about somebody before you marry them.
Also, apparently this poor fellow was not the only one with a “poop knife” — there are plenty of definitions for the term on UrbanDictionary. And all of them pretty much say the same, disgusting thing.