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69-Year-Old Man Considers Himself Trans-Age, Wants to be Recognized as 49 Peter Dejong/AP
Peter Dejong/AP

A 69-year-old Dutchman wanted to be legally reclassified as a 49-year-old man because that’s how old he feels. And also because being 69 is making it hard for him to get matches on Tinder. Probably mostly number two.

“49-Year-Old” Emile Ratelband

Emile Ratelband, is a TV personality and DJ (because of course he is), has asked a court in the Netherlands to approve his request to be granted a new birth date that would make him 49. His case is basically that, since people are transgender, he can be trans-age. That’s, uh, not really how it works, guy.

“With this free(dom) of choice, choice of name, freeness of gender, I want to have my own age. I want to control myself,” Ratelband said.

You shifty Dutchman, you. You just want to dip into a younger dating pool! You’re not trans-anything. You’re just a DJ! Every DJ is a child trapped in a man’s body.

No one is more sympathetic to feeling younger than they actually are than me. Internally I am a 14-year-old boy. Poop jokes make me laugh. I want every meal to be pizza or tacos. I’m terrible with women. I get it. But here’s the thing. I’m not actually 14. I can’t get arrested for peeing outside and give the judge a devil-may-care, boys will be boys shrug and smile like a teenager. Because I’m 32. And I have a 32-year-old penis. And that’s not allowed to be in use outdoors. (Neither is a teenager’s, but especially not a 32-year-old’s.) I do that and I’m in a registry.

Age is just a number. No two 69-year-olds are alike anyway. One could be as healthy mentally and physically as a 49-year-old and another could basically be a hundred years old in all but actual age.

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Rejected

Ratelband’s request, however, was struck down by the courts in his country. The judges so no legal basis to allow for such a record change. The BBC reported their official statement: “Mr Ratelband is at liberty to feel 20 years younger than his real age and to act accordingly… [changing his legal documents would require] undesirable legal and societal implications.” 

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But I say, what do you need a piece of paper for? Just change your Tinder age and swipe away. And just for fun, watch above a random video of Ratelband running four times against a window!

Editor’s Note: This post was originally posted on April 17, 2019.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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