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Man Shoplifts Python Facebook/Emily Sheiwe
Facebook/Emily Sheiwe

It’s rare that you see a story and think, “Man that guy really deserved to have his penis bitten, eaten, and/or ripped off” but… here’s one. A man in Rockwood, Michigan was caught on surveillance video shoplifting a four-foot python from a pet store by shoving it down his pants. And it worked. He got out of there with the snake and, presumably, no grievous penis injuries.

An employee of the I ❤ My Pets pet store described the python, named Pasta, as four-feet long and girthy and, much to everyone's disappointment, it did not confuse the shoplifter's flaccid, (probably) pube covered penis for a rat and attempt to eat it. Pasta didn't even squeeze the guy's scrotum until his testicles exploded. It's like snakes aren't even that scary.

According to the store's employees, they had to watch the video multiple times in order to simply believe what they were seeing. They assumed the snake had escaped. Not been shoved down some Craigslist pet section power user's pants. And the man didn't just shove the snake down his pants, he shoved it down his pants then walked around the store for a minute. Then he bought a rat while standing calmly at the register. He was, all things considered, pretty comfortable having a literal cold-blooded killer writhing around in his pants. This man is unflappable.

As of now the snake thief has not been identified and the police have no leads, though maybe they should start by questioning anyone they see calmly strolling across a busy highway or chugging energy drinks with reckless abandon. If you live in the Rockwood, Michigan area and know an insane man with a new snake, please contact your local authorities.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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