Do you make lots of stinky no-nos? Is your love of smoked and cured meats, spicy food, beer, and coffee haunting you? Kind of literally? As if a smelly ghost is following you all day? There’s an underwear pad for that now. Strap on one of these air diapers and never worry about one of your toxic mushroom clouds clearing out a room or making your coworkers look at you like you’re a disgusting, farting animal.

Fart Neutralizing Underwear
Flat D Innovations

This Flatulence Deodorizer from Flat D Innovations is charcoal based and purports to turn every taco banshee that slips out of your undies into an odorless, Casper the Friendly Fart. In fact, Flat D Innovations claims to be “the global leader in flatulence deodorizer products” and, frankly, there’s really no need to question that assertion. It seems absolutely true.

This is fun to have a chuckle at and all, but if I was letting out foul howlers all day with little or no way to control it because of some medical issue like irritable bowel syndrome or simple genetic bad luck, I’d have already bought twenty of these flatulence filtering underwear pads. I’d have filled my Amazon cart with tears in my eyes, thanking God for whoever figured out that charcoal pads make my farts disappear. Can you imagine the hell of constantly smelling like a hot pile of shit? Not being able to go to see Toy Story 4 with your kids because a cloud that smells like sulfur and roadkill is emanating from you at all times?

Flat D has products for women and men that come in various sizes and for various uses, so pretty much anyone who has a bad fart problem can take advantage of the product.

And for those of you Americans who, like me, enjoy punishing their digestive systems with egregiously spicy hot sauces and trash fast food and no longer want to pay the well-deserved price of giving off toxic radiation, then here’s a solution for that too.

This post was originally published on June 24, 2019.


Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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