Woman Smears Dog Poop Fiance Pinellas County Sheriff's Office
Pinellas County Sheriff's Office

A Florida woman may have her fiancé rethinking things after she shoved a handful of dog crap in his face to put an exclamation point on whatever point she was trying to make during an argument the two were having.

41-year-old Jane Marie Faulkner was charged with domestic battery for her poop attack on her fiancé. Police were called to her and her partner’s St. Petersburg, Florida home and, unsurprisingly, found that Faulkner was intoxicated. She admitted pretty quickly to shoving dog poop in her fiancé’s face but the pair refused to tell the cops what they were arguing about. Considering Faulkner has previously been arrested for — *takes deep breath* — grand theft, disorderly intoxication, possession of drug paraphernalia, careless driving, battery, disorderly conduct, marijuana possession, resisting an officer with violence, theft, and narcotics possession there’s a decent chance that their argument was about some super illegal stuff.

Faulkner was released after posting a $2000 bond. A judge has ordered her to have no contact with her fiancé for the time being and she has been fitted with an ankle monitor that detects alcohol intake.

A few thoughts:

1. Having dog poop angrily smeared in your face by your partner has got to be a dealbreaker, right? There’s no coming back from the memory of what a dog’s fecal matter tastes like every time you look at your significant other.

2. I said it already but there’s no way these two weren’t arguing about, like, what to go pawn in order to buy fentanyl or whose turn it was to hit the meth pipe next. It seems unlikely they were having an argument over free market economics or, say, anything involving a book. (Unless, of course, that argument involved who smoked all the meth they hid in the Bible they cut the middle out of.)

This story was originally published February 10, 2020.

Watch: Man’s Roomba ‘Cleans’ Up His Dog’s Poop, Proceeds to Spread it All Over House

Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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