Florida: it’s like Australia, if Australia had been organically rather than forcefully populated with convicts. It may be the Sunshine State, but the crimes committed in Florida are the stuff of nightmares. Weird nightmares. The kind that, after you have them, make you seriously consider looking into calling a psychiatrist.
This is the state that made bath salts and real zombies a thing, so it’s no surprise that the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eighteen was yet another year that God forsook Florida. These are the five wildest crimes to come out of America’s wang last year.
A Florida woman shot off a loud, wet food ghost in line at the Dollar Store. A man in line behind her took exception to having a front row seat to her impromptu butt trumpet recital. Naturally, this quickly escalated to a knife fight.
A man from Tallahassee traveled all the way to Chicago to cut off the penis of his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. Then he tossed the severed penis over a fence and carved his initials in the man’s leg.
Just another day interviewing for retail positions at a Florida store, really. No one was stabbed and no meth was smoked in the middle of the interview so it’s not exactly one-hundred percent that this guy didn’t get a callback.
This crime doesn’t come with a life sentence, but it should. No one who isn’t going to hurt things again goes to such elaborate lengths to torture and violate another living thing. When one of these psychos gets caught with a basement full of toddler bones no one is going to saying hindsight is 20/20.
Using a condom while having sex with a mini-pony is like remembering to wear your seatbelt as you drunkenly speed through a school zone just as the kindergartners are getting on the bus.