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Florida Man Drinking and Driving Indian River County Sheriff's Office

A 69-year-old Florida man was pulled over in Indian County, Florida for drinking and driving, though he insisted to the arresting officers that he was not in fact drinking and driving, but, instead, was only drinking when the vehicle was stopped at lights and stop signs.

Presumably the conversation went something like this:

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking and driving?

Guy: No sir officer.

Cop: Your car smells like liquor.

Guy: Oh well yeah that’s from the Jim Beam I’ve been guzzling on my trip to McDonald’s here.

Cop: You said you weren’t drinking and driving. Drinking and driving is illegal, sir. We’ll have to arrest you.

Guy: I’m not drinking and driving. I’m only taking pulls of Jim at stop signs. Boom. Lawyered.

Cop: Dammit you’re free to go.

That’s not how the law works, but it should? Just kidding. You shouldn’t get behind the wheel after taking a couple pulls of Jim Beam, even if the outcome has the potential to be as thankfully harmless and ultimately wonderful as this.

The Florida man was arrested on June 27th at a McDonald’s drive-thru, after the woman in front of him called the police to complain that the car behind her kept running into her rear bumper.

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Sometimes a man — especially a very drunk man — just can’t wait for his McNuggets lady. Is that a crime? (In this instance, yes.)

The Florida man, fittingly named Earle, was eventually arrested after admitting to police, who suspected he was drunk, that he had been drinking (but not while literally driving, obviously). Earle went on to tell police that he felt “pretty good.”

Earle was probably not lying, because when he took his breathalyzer test he blew nearly twice the legal limit, at 0.153. Presumably there were a whole lot of stop signs and stop lights on the way to this McDonalds.

Old Earle, who clearly needs to never drive again, later admitted to the officers that he’d received two previous DUIs in Missouri.

Good God, Earle. It’s called Uber and a YETI tumbler. Start drinking in the 21st Century like the rest of us.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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