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Towson Mom Son Date

Police at Towson University in Maryland have asked students to call them if they see a crazy lady who is supposedly running around campus hoping to secure a date for her son. According to reports, the woman is in her 50s and wearing a multicolored scarf. She has approached several people with her cell phone, showed them a picture of her son, and then asked if they’d be interested in dating the kid. Towson University Police say she may frequent the Cook Library and Center for the Arts.

The incidents apparently caused enough of a disturbance on campus that Towson Police issued an Incident Advisory with a link to surveillance footage of Maryland’s creepiest helicopter parent. The wing-mom won’t be charged with any crimes, Towson officials (and students, probably) just really, really want her to stop.

This poor kid. There’s no way he wants this. It’s not even effective. (Obviously). Even if some girl said yes out of some learned female defense mechanism that equates agreeableness with survival, and then inexplicably showed up, a date is always going to be dead on arrival when its genesis was your mother stalking your campus like a wild-eyed cat lady, jumping out of bushes and out from behind soda machines, then shoving a picture of you in that innocent girl’s face.

“Yeah, so, sorry about my mom. I’m just kind of shy, I guess. But I did not ask her to do this. Oh, and fair warning: she’s going to ask you to sleep with me at the end of the date. I told her not to, and obviously you don’t have to, but… she’s going to pitch it pretty hard. Just felt like I should let you know now. So what’s your major?”

Or maybe the mom is just tired of taking chicken tenders down to her son in the basement for every meal and desperately wants to get him out of the house? Either way, stand down mom.

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Rob Fox About the author:
Rob Fox is a writer, comedian, and producer based in Austin, TX. God made him left-handed to hide his own averageness from him.
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